Breaking Through the Barrier

I am a 25 year old woman, Mother of two: Shaelyn is 6, and Jack is 1. There are many other things about me, but this body of work will be focused on Mothering, and through that topic, my story will unfold. My experiences as a Mother as of late have led me to deeply consider alternative ways to reach out and teach my children the ways of this world. Ironically, I have gathered that sometimes the best way to communicate with our children is through their own escapes and passions. It is necessary to notice what, in life, grabs their attention, and to use it as a tool to reach out to them and engage in meaningful interaction. Whether they will choose to admit it or not, our children need to feel that we, above all other influences in their life understand them to the core. Because we as parents, are only human, we cannot arise to this occasion fully. We can, however try our very hardest to create and sustain a very understanding and guiding state of existence in which we nurture our children. This is no small feat, as you know. How can we break through the barrier of distraction and misdirection that propaganda creates? What a huge undertaking! It overwhelms even the most assertive parents.



My greatest emotional and intellectual trial as a Mother at this point in my life is with my 6 year old daughter. While we have had many seasons of growth throughout these six wonderful years, I am now struck by the realization that she grew to be far more perceptive as a six year old than I was prepared for her to be. My latest awakening to this was a brief interaction in the car while we waited for my husband, her stepfather, to get done in the grocery store. In red crayon on a white sheet of paper, my six year old wrote: “I hate hate hate what you did to me.” Now if that doesn’t scream “Listen to me!!!”, I don’t know what does. Further questioning revealed that she was referring to the demise of my relationship with her father; a relationship that ended over five years ago. When I asked her what I did to her, she replied with, “I know who broke up with who.” She looked at me accusingly, and pressing for a legitimate explanation of the chain of events that led to me making the choice to abandon our chance of a cohesive biological family unit.



Before I launch into this explanation, however, I would like to preface with what seemingly harmless influence I believe elicited such a dramatic outpouring of emotion from my six year old daughter. On a recent trip to the library, we rented the 1960’s classic “The Parent Trap” starring Haley Mills. If you have seen this film, you know that the parents split up when their twin daughters were very young, resulting in the Mother moving across the country. Neither twin knew that the other existed until they met by chance at camp the summer of their 13th year. The film ends with the Mother showing up to switch the girls back, interrupting the Father’s plans to remarry. The Mother and Father get back together and they all live happily ever after. Shaelyn wanted to know why she hadn’t gotten this happy ending. Initially, the uncomfortable situation made me regret ever letting her watch this movie, but in the last two weeks, I have realized that it prompted an opportunity for Shaelyn to share her true feelings with me. Not only did such a conversation provide her with an explanation, but I also got the opportunity to share with her my perspective.

My response to her strong statement was this: “I was 19 when I left your Father. He was 18. You were a little over a year old. You and I moved into his apartment with high hopes for a fresh start, apart from the opinions of my family and his, giving us a fair chance at creating a healthy family environment for you to grow up in. In the three months we lived there, he revealed through his actions that he was incapable of being a stable father and partner. He acted very immaturely, chose to use drugs, and chose to neglect your needs and mine alike. His disconnect with reality reached its height when he began showing a disregard for your safety. I came home from class and I found you standing in the hall outside of our upstairs apartment at the top of a concrete staircase, getting ready to make the descent all by your 13 month old self. He was asleep on the couch oblivious to the danger you were in, and didn’t even stir when I angrily and loudly packed our things and took you o live with me back to Nana’s house until I could make it on my own. I left your father to protect you, and I left your father to protect me. He was not the man we needed him to be, and for that reason, I fell out of love with him and never fell back.”

She reacted with a softer look in her face, and simply said, “Oh”. She was quiet on the ride home, and I worried that I had given her too much food for thought. A couple of days later, I spoke to her Grandmother, Mel Mel who is her paternal Grandmother. Shaelyn told Mel Mel that I was brave for protecting her, and that she was glad her Dad was better now so that they can be together sometimes. I don’t know if I was right in being so explicit with Shaelyn, but I do know that she was able to deduct the reality of our situation and appreciate the individual beauty in it. Although her life has not rendered the kind of happy ending she was originally searching for, she is able to acknowledge the small successes that have resulted from a major trial in her life. I know that this is not the end of this discussion, but I believe it is the beginning of her understanding of the complexity of human relationships, and a big step in my understanding of the complexity of my child.